Florida, where dreams and sneezes are made

When my parents and later just my father were living in Guilderland, my little brother from Florida visited many times, spending thousands of dollars on plane tickets and hotels. I promised him that, once our parents were gone, my lovely wife and I would visit him in Florida.

Well, we just got back from that long anticipated trip. Our nearly two weeks in the sunshine state featured family, friends, and relaxation, with a little bit of frustration (uncontrollable sneezing and coughing will do that to you).

My wife would have preferred to fly. Not me. Since they removed all the legroom on planes and ramped up the security screenings, it’s just too much of a hassle to fly now.

I would have preferred driving down in a sexy rented car like a Mustang. I lost that battle, unfortunately. Driving down in a Honda had no jazz to it, but it worked out.

When you drive down south in the winter, things don’t start to change until you hit Virginia. All of a sudden, you no longer need that winter jacket. You can easily identify all the other escaping snowbirds not by their license plates, but by how dirty their cars are. I thought that was really funny.

Have you ever seen those ubiquitous “South of the Border” bumper stickers? Turns out that is a tourist trap in South Carolina, located just over the border from North Carolina. The place is huge with many different types of activities.

I purchased a couple of cheap wind-up cars for the grandkids. When these cars hit the wall, they flip over backwards multiple times — very entertaining. Had I known how much fun they are, I would have bought a bunch more.

We needed to do a 750-mile day, stay in a hotel, and then do a 550-mile day to reach our vacation rental. Sounds like a lot but the speed limit on I-95 is 70, and you get passed going 80, so you can really make some time.

One thing that kind of shocked me is, all of a sudden, there is The Pentagon, just sitting right out there. Should our most important military installation be so out in the open that any nudnik driving by on the major north-south East Coast thoroughfare can’t miss it? Not so sure about that.

If you’re lucky, when you book your hotel, you can get one with a “free” breakfast. Of course it’s not free, but it is convenient to have everything you need in one location.

Many of these hotels right off of I-95 have really odd quirks: sounds in the plumbing, temperature either really hot or really cold, beds that sag in the middle, etc. Still, when all you need is a bed for a single night, you can’t beat them.

The vacation rental my daughter got for the family was incredible. Six bathrooms, seven bedrooms, hot tub, pool, game room, and big-screen TVs all over the place. Not cheap but, if you get enough people and split the cost, it’s not much more than getting separate normal hotel rooms.

So the rental and the location — right outside of Orlando — was not the problem for me. The problem was the pollen.

Apparently you can develop allergies as you get older. I never had allergies my entire life, but in the last few years I’ve clearly become more allergic.

My first two days in Florida, I was blowing my nose, coughing, and sneezing so badly I couldn’t use my CPAP [continuous positive airway pressure] machine. That means I couldn’t sleep, either. Needless to say, I was miserable.

Yes, it was enjoyable to have sunny and 85-degree temperatures in the beginning of February while it was -15F in Guilderland. Still, if I’d have been home, I wouldn’t have been suffering at all. You can always throw on another blanket, no matter how cold it gets, but you can’t get rid of pollen.

A trip to a local pharmacy got me a smorgasbord of painkillers, decongestants, allergy pills, and cough medicines. Gradually, I was able to adjust to the tropical climate, but I have never liked the humidity down there, and combined with the pollen, I can’t say I look forward to returning.

If it weren’t for my family loving all the touristy stuff, I’d probably never go there again, since there are just so many other nice places to visit where I wouldn’t get sick.

The modus operandi in Florida seems to be: Buy up hundreds of acres of swampland and build a gated community featuring luxury rentals for tourists. Our rental literally backed up to a swamp.

All week long, we’d see big birds like cranes and herons walking around, sometimes even in the middle of the street. Can you imagine what they are thinking: “What the heck happened to our habitat? And why are we having to eat dirty, flattened McDonald’s french fries off the street now?”

Very strange, but if you “follow the money,” as they say, you’ll understand.

You know how it costs hundreds of dollars for theme-park tickets? Well, leave it to Disney for making money from those of us who have no interest in rides and such.

They now have these “boardwalk” areas that have free admission, featuring every possible store and restaurant you could ever imagine. These places were jammed, and there must be no recession down there, as people were spending money hand over fist. Wow.

My wife did some grocery shopping. She said prices were two or three times higher than what we usually pay. When a six-pack of diet soda costs the same as a six-pack of beer, you know they are really marking it up.

They wouldn’t do it if they couldn’t get away with it. I guess the lure of fun and sun in the dead of winter trumps everything, no pun intended.

For me, the best part of the trip was getting to visit friends all up and down the East Coast. My on-the-ball wife cleverly used mapping software to plot out our visits to maximize efficiency. It was wonderful.

In fact, next winter, I’d be fine with skipping Florida and just taking a long road trip to visit warm-weather friends. Often they will act as local tour guides and show you all the good places. You can’t beat that with a baseball bat.

If you do find yourself in Florida, consider visiting Saint Augustine, which is the oldest city in the United States. They have no franchises or chain stores, by design. When I was there, I felt like I was in a charming New England small town; it was that great. I’d go back there in a heartbeat. Just a wonderful place to be.

Altogether, we drove 3,202 miles. I know most people think that’s crazy, when you can fly to Florida in a couple of hours. But, when you add in visiting friends along the way, attending other local attractions here and there, and getting to listen to some great audiobooks on the long drive (“Bel Canto” by Ann Patchett, a fantastic romance/thriller, and “A Marriage Made in Heaven” by Erma Bombeck, so funny and true) the trip, though tiring, was still a lot of fun.

Still, after almost two weeks on the road, it sure was great to finally be home. That’s when we found out that the condensate pump on the furnace had failed while we were away, resulting in a partially wet basement. You can’t ever beat Murphy’s Law, but you knew that already, haha.

So now we’re back in Guilderland, without sneezing, coughing, or headaches, and paying normal grocery prices again. Good to be back home.