Ask Cranky Frankie

We haven’t heard from my alter-ego, the always helpful and understanding advice columnist “Cranky Frankie,” in a long time. Let’s see what’s in the mailbag:

Dear Cranky Frankie:

I’m an auto mechanic. The other day, a beautiful young woman brought her car in for scheduled maintenance, which included changing the cabin air filter. On her car, like in many these days, this requires emptying the glove box to reach the filter compartment.

So I began emptying the glove box, and pulled out the usual junk you’d expect: CDs, sunglasses, receipts, the owner’s manual, and the like. Then I pulled out this tube-like thing and, because it was like nothing I’d ever seen before, I couldn’t help but take a closer look.

To my shock and surprise, I was all of a sudden holding a tampon in my hand! Having such an intimate part of a stranger’s life in my hand like that really upset me. After I changed the filter I reloaded the glove box as best I could. I didn’t say anything about how embarrassed I felt about all this when she came in to pay the bill. Should I have said something? What does a gentleman mechanic do in a situation like this?

Sincerely,

Found A Strange Thing
 

Dear FAST:

When changing a cabin air filter, it’s very important to note the direction of the air flow. These filters are designed to work in a specific orientation. In general, the air comes in from the top and goes out the bottom, so be sure to orient the filter with the arrow pointing down.

While you’re in there, it’s a good idea to use your shop vac to vacuum out any dust or dirt that always seems to accumulate. Then make sure to reinstall the filter cover securely, so you don’t have any leaks.

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Dear Cranky Frankie:

I want to reduce my “carbon footprint,” just to do my little part in helping to save the environment. So I’ve been taking the bus to work lately. The problem is, the nearest bus stop is 20 minutes from my house.

As if that weren’t bad enough, depending on the day, the bus could be anywhere from five to 30 minutes late. On a chilly day, it is really difficult to stand outside in the cold and wind, just waiting and waiting. Is there any way to make this whole bus riding procedure smoother and more bearable?

Sincerely,

Wants Easy And Reliable, Yes
 

Dear WEARY:

When you consider the fact that half the people in the world use tampons, and that the average woman who uses tampons will go through close to 12,000 of them in her lifetime, it was only a matter of time before you came into contact with one.

Truly, coming into contact with such a personal item from a total stranger can be unsettling. Clearly, the owner of the car had no idea you’d have to empty the glove box to change that filer. In this case, just chalk it up to experience. Who knows what you might find next time?

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Dear Cranky Frankie:

The lady who sits in the cubicle next to mine at work is a health-food nut. She spends the whole day grazing on carrots, peppers, carrots, and the like. While I’m glad, even inspired, by her clean and healthy diet, the sound of her chewing all day just grosses me out.

I’ve had to resort to wearing huge earphones and listening to music just to survive. The problem is, I can’t hear anything else that’s going on in the office when I’m listening to music. One time, I even missed the fire alarm! How can I tell my co-worker that her constant chewing is driving me insane?

Sincerely,

Digestion and Mindless Munching Isn’t Tolerable
 

Dear DAMMIT:

True story: Once we were out on a motorcycle ride with a guy who was riding an old Triumph twin. On these old bikes, the engine, transmission, and primary drive are all separate, not one piece like on today;’s modern machines.

That means there are a lot of joints for things to leak from. After riding all morning, we were stopped for a break when someone noticed oil leaking from under the Triumph. As if the leak itself wasn’t bad enough, it was directly in line with the rear tire. Trust me, when you’re riding a motorcycle, you don’t want any oil dripping onto your rear tire!

Fortunately, we had a couple of ladies on the ride that day. One of them reached into her jacket pocket, pulled out a tampon, opened it, and then said, “See if this will help.” Well, we stuck that tampon right up there between the transmission and the primary, and that guy was able to ride home 75 miles with no problem.

That tampon saved the day. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that every mechanic needs to keep a tampon in his toolbox, but in a pinch, what gets you home is what gets you home.

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Dear Cranky Frankie:

Now that COVID is almost over, I want to finally have some friends over for dinner and a movie. However, I’ve managed to not get COVID by strictly following all the rules, and I don’t want to totally relax just yet.

If I put the leaf in my dining room table, would it be OK to skip every other chair so I can “socially distance” us while we eat? Then, what is the etiquette involved in asking everyone to wear N95 masks during the movie? I’m not sure how my guests will respond to these requests, yet I so desperately want their company. Help!

Sincerely,

Friends Require Unusual Measures Periodically
 

Dear FRUMP:

I used to drive a minivan. Not the sexiest vehicle on the road, no doubt but, when you took the seats out, you could fit 4-by-8 sheets of plywood in there. That is pretty awesome.

I drove that thing to the lumber yard, motorcycle meets, you name it. I really loved that mini-van. One day, I tried to shove one too many CDs in the glove box, and I couldn’t get the door shut. Rats.

So I decided to do a complete glove box clean-out. Now I’m removing CDs, tools, pencils, old harmonicas, you name it — a veritable smorgasbord of junk that had just accumulated over a long, long time. When I get to the very bottom, what do you think I found?

If you guessed a tampon, you’d be right! Turns out many ladies, like wives and girlfriends, like to keep “spares” in the glove box, just in case, similar to the one found while changing the cabin air filter. So here I am thinking, yeah, I may be riding around in a mini-van, but I can haul dimensional lumber, so I’m still cool.

Then come to think, all that time I’d been riding around with a tampon in my glove box! If my buddies had found that out, I’d never have heard the end of it for sure. My advice: If you’re married or have a steady girlfriend, check your glove box today.

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Dear Cranky Frankie:

I keep seeing commercials for reverse mortgages. I think I understand how they work — you get money based on the equity in your home — but after that I’m totally confused. As a senior on a fixed income, I need to know: Are reverse mortgages good, or are they some kind of a scam?

Concerned Over Reverse Negotiations Yielding
 

Dear CORNY:

If there’s one thing that gives school janitors fits, other than carrying around that huge key ring with a hundred keys, it’s dealing with tampons that have been flushed down toilets. To put it simply, tampons belong in the solid waste stream, period (no pun intended!). Unless you want to see your plumber more often, never flush tampons down the toilet.
 

Well, that’s all we have time for in this installment of “Ask Cranky Frankie.” Keep sending your most interesting questions in and we’ll try our best to answer them as time and space allow.