A Guy with a Backhoe can straighten out any mess

The other day while I was out running, I saw the front lawn of a neighbor’s house all dug up to replace the main plumbing pipe to the street. There was a backhoe sitting on the lawn. Even in the dead of winter, that job had to be done and it got done by, who else, A Guy with a Backhoe.

Yes, A Guy with a Backhoe is the man to call when tough stuff needs to be done. You know how hard the frozen ground is in winter? It’s like stone. Yet A Guy with a Backhoe handled it with aplomb. I wish all professionals were as capable as A Guy with a Backhoe.

We all know A Guy with a Backhoe can do all the tough jobs, but he can do so much more. Say you have a problem with your ex who is trashing you on Facebook. Just call A Guy with a Backhoe. In no time flat, A Guy with a Backhoe can rip up your ex’s perennial garden so it’ll look like there never was a garden in the first place. Your ex will think twice about dissing you online after that!

Or say you have a very high tax assessment and you don’t know what to do. You’ve submitted papers before but nothing happened. The thing is, you didn’t use A Guy with a Backhoe.

Just give your reassessment papers to A Guy with a Backhoe and watch what happens. There’s nothing civil servants fear more than A Guy with a Backhoe heading straight toward Town Hall. By the time he’s 50 feet away from the building, someone will come out and, just like that, your reassessment application will be at the top of the stack.

That’s how powerful A Guy with a Backhoe is. It sure pays to be friendly with A Guy with a Backhoe!

Don’t think A Guy with a Backhoe is all about serious business, though. You can be sure he likes to have some fun, too.

Next time your kid has a birthday, consider hiring A Guy with a Backhoe to provide the entertainment. He’ll stick your kid and all the rest of the party-goers right in the bucket and ride them all ’round and ’round the backyard.

Now that’s what I call good, clean fun. Talk about “dumping” the kids after school; well, now you really can. Thank you, A Guy with a Backhoe!

Now you might be wondering how much it costs to hire A Guy with a Backhoe. Well, like anything quality investment, A Guy with a Backhoe doesn’t come cheap.

They say you should allocate two months’ salary when you buy a wedding ring. Hiring A Guy with a Backhoe can cost almost that much, but hey, just like when you need a root canal, you need a root canal, when you need A Guy with a Backhoe, you need A Guy with a Backhoe, cost be damned.

So just pay up and be happy that A Guy with a Backhoe is there for you when you need him. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll throw in a bright yellow hard hat as well.

So hiring A Guy with a Backhoe can be a little costly, I’ll admit that. But who says you can’t negotiate with A Guy with a Backhoe?

Negotiation is A Guy with a Backhoe’s middle name. Start with offering him some Bud Lite and some gooey, cheesy nachos. A Guy with a Backhoe may not be a huge fan of immigration, legal or otherwise, but he sure does loves Mexican food. Arriba!

There’s one thing you always want to avoid when dealing with A Guy with a Backhoe. He of course likes a good drink now and then, but don’t give him anything to drink while he’s working.

If you do, you might just see A Guy with a Backhoe driving down Main Street with an American flag bungeed to the seat, wearing his Dallas Cowboys hat, his “Dale Jr.” NASCAR T-shirt, and drinking a Bud Lite. A Guy with a Backhoe is nothing but patriotic, so be sure to only start the party after he’s finished working for the day.

Let’s say you’re out snow-blowing the driveway. You’ve just finished an hour of back-breaking work, you’re bushed, and ready to call it a day. Then the town plow comes by and plows you right back in.

Instead of going into a red-faced rage, consider: A lot of the town plow drivers actually drive backhoes when it’s not winter. So don’t get mad, just give a friendly wave, because that plow driver might actually be A Guy with a Backhoe.

Suppose you’ve been married for decades like me and you literally have run out of ideas for Christmas presents. Is there any chance your spouse would like a new pool? If there is, consider hiring A Guy with a Backhoe to dig that hole for you. You’ll get a great rate because it’s off season, and you’ll finally have the perfect Christmas present. Ho-ho-ho from A Guy with a backhoe!

As you by now no doubt realize, A Guy with a Backhoe is really important to have around. In fact, if you’ve just gotten married, I say you should take A Guy with a Backhoe with you on your honeymoon.

“But Frank,” you ask, “on a honeymoon two’s company and three’s a crowd, right?”

True, and that’s why you should not only bring A Guy with a Backhoe along with you on your honeymoon, but bring along his wife as well, A Woman Who Sells Amway. Between A Guy with a Backhoe and A Woman Who Sells Amway, your new marriage will be off to a great start, as just about all your needs for years and years to come will be covered. Woohoo!

So where can you find A Guy with a Backhoe when you need him? Plenty of places: at the bar after work, at the bowling alley on Thursday nights, playing poker on Friday nights, out fishing on Saturday, and at church on Sunday. A Guy with a Backhoe is always ready and waiting for your call. So don’t wait, call A Guy with a Backhoe today. Tell him I sent you.