Beware of big sunglasses and alien invasions
I’ve been noticing lately that certain members of our population have taken to wearing very large sunglasses. Now, I mention this out of real concern for both national security and horrible fashion crimes.
I’m not really sure where the whole giant-sunglasses trend started but I suspect it was in the pages of very thick European fashion magazines. Those are the glossy bricks that feature pictures of models that look more like alien creatures than humans and that’s what really tipped me off. Now, stay with me.
What if a race of highly intelligent aliens was really interested in our planet? But, due to their appearance, felt they couldn’t really walk among us safely, as we’d all freak out and attack them on sight.
See, they look pretty much like us, except for huge reptilian eyes and a taste for fresh kale. Both are obvious tip-offs that they’re not human. I mean kale? Really?
In order to come here and get our kale, they had to make the stuff seem healthy or popular so eating it wouldn’t make people pay attention. I figure they covered this by quietly sending mind-to-mind messages to health nuts the world over to like kale.
I mean how else would you explain the sudden popularity of a leafy vegetable that resembles green leather and needs to be massaged with oil or cooked to be edible?
But the huge reptilian eyes were a bigger issue.
Then they got hold of a copy of European Vogue, looked at the ad for Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses, and had their eureka moment. They sent further brainwash messages to eyeglass designers to start enlarging sunglasses until they were big enough to basically allow a wearer to rob a bank in a pair and be utterly unrecognizable.
They also mentally suggested using lots of old pictures of Sophia Loren and Jackie Kennedy from the ’50s and ’60s to further bolster the new retro-chic, huge sunglass kick and they were off.
So does that mean that every person you now see wearing huge sunglasses is an alien looking to eat your kale? Very likely.
I mean logically, why would a normal-looking human being want to wear sunglasses so huge, ungainly, and ugly that their own parents wouldn’t recognize them?
I’m not talking about those wrap-around visors some seniors wear over prescription glasses. They’re scary, but they have a specific purpose.
No, we’re talking about “fashion” sunglasses here. These monstrosities, when genuine, cost more than my first car and could block not just UV radiation, but pretty much the entire visible spectrum of light. When I see people driving in these, I seriously wonder if they’re actually asleep, as you’d never be able to tell, so impenetrable are these lenses.
But most of these fashion crimes are made worse by the fact that the glasses in question are actually cheap knock-offs that offer about as much eye protection as a tissue stained with weak tea. If you really want to protect your eyes, as eye doctors now suggest, then huge, ugly cheap fake sunglasses may not be your best bet.
I mean, they’ll hurt your eyes and make it likely you’ll be mistaken for an alien and grabbed by Homeland Security types. And, if they catch you eating kale, then I’d say you’re pretty much alien toast.
If you want to protect your eyes, go to a nice store, buy some real sunglasses that cover your eyes, not up to your hairline, and wear them outside when it’s bright.
Wearing them 24 hours a day, seven days a week just proves you’re an alien life form. Why else would you do such a thing? Fashion by nature is very silly and looking in Vogue proves that by about the fourth page.
Would a normal human being really go to the mall or out to dinner wearing skin-tight, leopard-print leggings; a leather skirt cut three millimeters below your naughty bits; heels high enough to cause nosebleeds; topped off by a $900 cotton T-shirt and $3,000 sunglasses? Oh yeah, and without anything underneath but a thong constructed of dental floss and a single cotton ball? That’s fashion.
So, to the aliens, I say: Take the kale and go in peace but please brainwash the fashionistas back to where a simple pair of Ray-Bans will suffice. If you don’t act soon, the sunglasses will start to look like a full-face motorcycle helmet with a smoked shield by this time next year. And I won’t even get into the issue with the dreaded “helmet hair.”
Editor’s note: Michael Seinberg says his fashion sense (if you can call it that) includes jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers. In other words, he never left the late ’70s.